Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dear Buffalo Wild Wings,

We get it. Anyone who has watched more than two hours of the men's NCAA tournament gets it. You have food and beer and people enjoy being in your restaurant. So much so that they wish they could move in.
Message received.
Now please, for the love of gourd, stop playing this horrendously imbecilic spot 600 times over the course of a single game. Or at least play a different commercial. I know you got 'em - you got one for every sport except Skee-ball, and they're all equally interchangeable. Just because they don't involve the sport actually being played on the television at the time the spot runs doesn't mean we won't come away with the message, BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME %&*$ING MESSAGE IN EVERY COMMERCIAL, DELIVERED IN EXACTLY THE SAME STUPID @$%*ING MANNER.

I mean, I've seen your basketball-geared commercial so many times, I can quote it verbatim:
DUDE 1: "I love watching sports in this gross chain restaurant soooooo much."
DUDE 2: "I also love this, and yet the sporting event we are watching is drawing to a close."
DUDE 1: "We should contrive to extend the outcome of said sporting event, that we might stay here longer or, if possible, forever."
DUDE 2: "Agreed."
BARTENDER: "Consider it done."
Cut to athlete getting nailed in his danglers/receiving blunt force trauma.
ALL: "Hooray!"

Ask anyone I know - if I can remember anything you've done that well, with my memory? Well then you have a serious problem with repeating yourself. Time to change it up.

The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollah
(dictated but not read)

Friday, March 27, 2009

Remembering advanced foods

We all know about the so-called “four food groups” of grains, fruits, vegetables, meats, and dairy, yeah?
But granted you have the ability to count, or at the very least aren’t a thalidomide baby, you could figure out using the fingers of just one hand that there are actually five categories in that list provided by the United States Department of Agriculture.
The reason for this is twofold. First – and this is a little-known secret – the staff of the USDA actually is wholly made up of thalidomide babies who can’t count worth a damn, which is why they want you to eat, like, 12 servings of grains every day and drink two gallons of milk.
Second, there are far more than just the “four” food groups pushed on us by The Man, though most of these have been lost to the sands of time.

See, the USDA first began issuing periodic food guides in 1916. These would explain what Americans should eat so they could remain strong enough to fend off the ever-growing menace of the Bolsheviks, or whatever was threatening our way of life at any particular moment.
As political dissidents changed with the times, so did the guide. By 1934, Americans were urged to eat up to four government bonds per half-hour, in addition to the regular fruits, grains, scrap metal, coal dust, and other items necessary to fight “Jerry” (as the propagandist literature of the time had labeled Ba’athist France).

The guide reached its zenith in 1956, when the USDA consolidated nationally and regionally accepted food groups, which it then broke down into the “basic” and “advanced” categories.
The “four basic food groups” are all almost any of us remember, as the term was later amended to simply “the four food groups.”
The other 13 groups in the “advanced” category were all but forgotten, like that other guy from Wham! But one – Legumes – recently made its way back into the fold during a 1991 revision of the guide, giving hope to “advanced” food enthusiasts such as myself.
To recap, or for those simply unfamiliar with the remaining 12, they are:
Pickles, Candy, Coffee, Alcohol, Smoke, Plastics, Cocaine, Government Bonds, Cephalopods, Glass, Ink, and so-called “Crumbs.” (This last refers to Bose-Einstein particles absorbed through the skin, which aren’t technical a type of “food” in the strictest sense, but were thought at one point in the stupider parts of country to “put hair on yer chest.”)

It’s important to note that many of these were abandoned or forgotten with good reason – government bonds aren’t cheap, after all. But with our nation threatened by terrorists as never before, perhaps it is time to revisit the olden days, when men drank ink and pickled rabbits feet were consumed daily for good luck in our war against "The Reds."
And though I and others of my ilk feel a good many of these foods could – nay, should – one day rejoin their brothers in the "basic" food quadrangle, we also understand some consumer precautions need to be taken and information must be made available to the public.
For while a strict diet of cocaine might have helped plant the seeds of modern psychiatry in the mind of Sigmund Freud, no one today would dispute that some of the other foodstuffs mentioned here could have adverse effects if consumed in too great quantities. Remember, these are called "advanced" for a reason!

Eating too much candy, for instance, can cause this reaction:

While too much smoke produces something akin to this:

And, of course, it’s up to you how many cephalopods you enjoy on a daily basis, but keep in mind the end results could be devastating:

But don't despair America. By building upon a mastery of the basic food groups - and with a little luck - you too will eventually be able to find the balance in these advanced groups that best suits you. Why, just look at what they've done for me:

Fun facts about PPA employees

1. Each has murdered at least one kitten.
2. Their favorite snack is their own young.
3. Many in the higher echelon are actually direct descendants of Adolph Hitler.
4. They've never kissed a girl - and never will.
5. Their cellulite-ridden thighs and buttocks resemble a two-gallon dollop of cottage cheese.
6. Those who evolve to the point of opposable thumbs are immediately fired. And by fired, I mean executed.
7. The meter maids were all part of a secret experiment that replaced their human brains with that of a dog or, in some instances, large raccoon.
8. Everyone in middle management sleeps together. Upside-down. In a cave near Fairmount Park.
9. They keep the phone operators starved nearly to the point of death to achieve maximum rudeness.
10. They piddle through their small, secretive, unsatisfying lives seeking only the enjoyment garnered from projecting their pain onto others through a vicious and vulture-like ticketing system, needless bureaucracy, and general evil. EVIL I SAY!

Ah, we kid here.
But seriously, if you work for the PPA, don't ever tell me, because the first thing I will do is punch you in the face, and the second thing I will do is stand on your windpipe until something pops.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

New toppings at the ninja-owned Pizza Hut

Sausagi Yojimbo