Friday, January 15, 2010

Pat Robertson Causes Hurricanes

I think we can all agree that Pat Robertson is a jerk who uses tragedy to push his own warped idea of religion. Yes? Ok.
I would say the same of the Westboro Baptist Church and any number of other groups/individuals hiding behind the First Amendment to espouse hate in the guise of "God's divine message" or some other such hooey.
Luckily, most of us can also agree that these idiots are to be ridiculed and ignored. Hell, they practically beg for it.
But there are people out there - not you, gentle reader, but far stupider folk - who actually agree with the things that fall out of Robertson's mouth like so much half-digested tripe, who actually defend his statements in a revolting display of ignorance fit only for the truly crippled of reason.
"Yes, there is literally a fallen angel dressed all in red with horns and a pitchfork and the Haitians made a deal with him 200 years ago in his underground nether-realm to destroy the French and that is why earthquakes happen, durrrrrr" is not an uncommon thing for these half-wits to shout at one another while patrolling the walkways of Planned Parenthood clinics with rifles.
Granted, some of the things these people subscribe to are pretty damn funny. Westboro, for instance, never fails to amuse with its renditions of Christmas tunes describing how Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is leading our children to hell or some such nonsense.
But then they'll go and do something like show up at some poor kid's funeral waving placards reading "God Hates Fags" and, well, that I simply cannot abide.
Only, I can't really do anything about it, can I? I mean, it's not like you can just go around knee-capping people with baseball bats because of their indefensibly asinine public displays of contempt couched in theology.
At least, not yet.
Ladies and gentleman, I propose a new amendment for the new decade; an amendment for those who understand and embrace religious tolerance, but who have also just had it up to here with some of these cultish freaks.
Let us call it, "The Defense of Common Sense Act." I haven't worked out all the particulars yet, but basically it allows you to beat the living hell out of anyone trying to keep us in the dark ages - like Robertson - if they even hint at some foolishness like "earthquakes are a force of the devil."
I mean, really? Really? That alone deserves at least a smack upside the head, but knowing that ill-formed grotesquerie, he'd sue me for assault. And that's the rub, isn't it? The reasonably-minded among us, I'm sure, would love to give these dingbats a collective wedgie, if for no other reason than to simply stop them from making all Christians look like utter morons.
Except that you can't. There are laws against that sort of thing.
But hopefully not for long.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sarah Palin to join Fox Ne - oh wait, never mind.

Former Vice Presidential candidate/Alaskan governor/relevant human being Sarah Palin announced Tuesday she would join the team at Fox News in 2010 to deliver "inspirational real-life tales of overcoming adversity throughout the American landscape."
Palin said in a release that she was "thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News," a place that "so values fair and balanced news."
Her opening segment was expected to focus on Glenn Beck.
However, just hours after announcing her new job, Palin announced she would walk out on her contract with Fox News 18 months early.
Arriving at a hastily-convened news conference by bus (which had picked her up from the airport, where she had flown in by private jet) Palin said she was retiring from broadcast journalism in order to pursue a career as an astronaut, a move she said was supported by four yesses and one "hell yeah!" from her family.
"The way I see it, if real Americans throughout this great land of ours watched the 2008 presidential race and still consider me a viable candidate for the presidency in 2012, then I'm qualified to do anything," said Palin. "Besides, I bet I can get a real good look at Russia from way up there in God's vacuum."
Michael Steels' head reportedly exploded upon hearing the news.