Monday, January 31, 2011

Get the pitchforks ready for some...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

To Mrs. McGrath’s Second Grade Class,

Hello. My name is Kang-dae Soon, head programmer for the Engkey robotic teaching device.
I have been asked to clear up some confusion surrounding a recent visit from a malfunctioning Engkey unit to the Lower Grockney School District during a good-will tour from a South Korean elementary school.
Due to a very minor glitch in the translating device that has since been corrected, Engkey made several statements which we would like to correct or otherwise retract, as they do not represent the programmer’s viewpoint or those of Engkey’s parent company, Tyrell Corporation.
Firstly, please allow me to say that Santa Claus is not depicted in Korea as “a many-tentacled horror beyond the limits of human comprehension” and obviously never should have been described as such.
Santa Claus is the same here as anywhere: A walking diabetes risk representing the excesses of Western consumer culture who lives on the moon with a horde of elven slaves.
However, we understand the mistranslation led to a certain amount of consternation among parents and wish to apologize for any night terrors, booby-traps or institutionalizations this might have caused.
(I would additionally stress that other concepts of “Ol’ Saint Nick” described to the class – such as the Norse “Mojlin’ra, Chewer of Souls” – should likewise be discounted as a translating error.)
Allow me also to apologize for any instances of casual racism, profuse swearing or theft that occurred while Engkey was visiting the children. These tendencies commonly manifested as bugs in earlier versions of the robot and were supposed to have been eliminated from later models.
It might seem a small consolation, but please take heart that other bugs – such as routine sexual harassment and protests ending in self-immolation – appear to have been wiped from the operating system (with up to 73 percent efficiency).
It has additionally come to my attention that there was some confusion about Engkey’s answers to mathematics questions. Obviously, projectile vomiting a black, poisonous fluid into the questioner’s face is neither amusing nor technically an answer, and the robot should not have laughed at its victims' reactions to the viscous fluid while taunting the other children with a sharp stick. This was a holdover response from an earlier prototype of the Engkey designed for military use.
Unfortunately, the weaponized anthrax canisters housed in the robot’s chassis were also still set to release upon a specific trigger phrase. In hindsight, that phrase probably should not have been, “Are you a real robot?” (especially taking into consideration the penchant of American children to ask horrendously stupid questions). But as they say, hindsight is 20/20 – which is coincidentally the kill-rate for Engkey robotic military devices.
I would also like to apologize for the wholly unintended response to history questions. When asked about a specific historical figure or event, the robot should offer a helpful hint to guide the child to a correct answer, rather than a violent and profanity-laced tirade about the Japanese stock market. Any semi-cogent diatribes on the societal benefits of cannibalism should likewise be dismissed.
We would additionally like to take this opportunity to extend our deepest condolences on the tragic and unexpected vivisection of the class guinea pig, “Burrito,” during a biology lesson.
Obviously, the creature should have been euthanized prior to the demonstration and, again, we apologize for any nightmares the animal’s screaming and thrashing may have caused.
As to any instances of Engkey teaching children Three-card Monte, pick-pocket skills and/or dirty limericks, rest assured those traits have been eliminated from the programming (with up to 67 percent efficiency).
On behalf of all of us here at Tyrell Corp., I would like to thank Mrs. McGrath’s class, as well as the patient and understanding parents of the Lower Grockney School District, for assisting us in field testing the Engkey robotic teaching device.
Please rest assured each of the many, many deaths strewn in the wake of Engkey development is not in vein, as each “teaching moment” offers ever more insight toward a human-robot utopia we all one day hope to reach.
Yours truly,
Kang-dae Soon,
Tyrell Corp. Robotic Division
Head Programmer, Engkey Teaching Robot
PS. As per the settlement agreement, we would remind all of you that speaking with the press is strictly forbidden and would also like to stress that you are all damn lucky the unit did not become self aware. You’d still be picking pieces of your principal out of your hair and carpeting.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

We all saw it coming...

but honestly, how can you be this bad at negotiating?
Still, there's good news for those who saw this coming!
(Seriously, the ship is sinking for everyone who doesn't have a portfolio, get out while you can.)

Friday, December 3, 2010

Guess who learned how to strikethrough

On Friday, President Barack Obama made the first nine pardons of his presidency. Among them was one for Ronald Lee Foster, of Beaver Falls, Pa., who was sentenced in 1963 to a year of probation and a $20 fine for mutilating coins.
Anticipated response from GOP Chairman Michael Steele:
"It is unconscionable that the president would pardon a man charged with desecrating mutilating our God currency at a time when the U.S. is reeling from staggering deficits that threaten the very new speedboats for CEOs fabric of the American dream! But rest assured you can always count on real Americans in the Republican Party to give massive tax breaks to the wealthy save small business while simultaneously denying much needed unemployment benefits to the poor blocking super scaaaary common sense socialist policies that are threatening our very corporatist favoritism freedoms!"

("Be sure to spend your tax cuts on foreign-made goods - that's the best way to stimulate the U.S. economy," he was later heard to say. "Woot! 'Merica!," he added .)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Deathpanel! Deathpanel! Deathpanel!
Have fun smoking weed until your heart explodes, I guess.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Serious Ads for Serious People

With political TV ads running approximately every 12 seconds for the past 32 months straight, I'm worried some people might begin to get burned out and lose sight of what is really at stake in this election - namely, my ability to make fun of Christine O'Donnell.
With that in mind, here are a few spec scripts for spots I'd like to see running before we wrap this particularly hilarious installment in national politics:

Voiceover: Joe Sestak claims to like toast…
Image: Sestak seated at a Congressional Breakfast table.
VO: So why, during a recent campaign stop at the Nowheresville Café in central Pennsylvania, did he ask if he could substitute a bagel with his breakfast order?
Image: Close-up of a bagel with cream cheese; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” sounding music.
VO: Joe Sestak. Wrong on toast. Wrong for America.
–Paid for by Republicans for Voldemort

Voiceover: Pat Toomey says he isn’t extreme…
Image: Toomey smiling serenely into the camera.
VO: So why does he regularly jump dirt bikes through flaming hoops suspended over tanks of alligators while drinking Mountain Dew?
Image: Mountain Dew can; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” style music. Can explodes.
VO: Pat Toomey? More like Pat TooExtremeforPennsylvaniamey.
–Paid for by American Americans for ‘Mercia.

Voiceover: Democrat Dan Onorato hails from Allegheny County, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team, who have won a record six NFL championships.
Image: Steelers celebrating latest Super Bowl victory in slow motion; image colors suddenly invert. Steelers explode.
VO: Screw that. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!
–Paid for by Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid

Voiceover: Tom Corbett’s hair.
Image: Close-up of Tom Corbett’s hair.
VO: No.
–Paid for by

Voiceover: Joe Sestak likes to borrow combs from his co-workers.
Image: Sestak combing his hair while preparing for his 8,756th television appearance this year.
VO: But Sestak almost always forgets to return the combs to their proper owners. Or maybe he doesn’t forget at all. Maybe he just wants the combs for himself.
Image: Newspaper headline reading, “Joe’s Comb Fiasco.”
VO: Joe Sestak. Too many combs. Not enough answers.
–Paid for by Bald Americans for a Bald America PAC

Voiceover: If Pat Toomey hates aliens so much, why is he working with the lizard people from the 12th dimension?
Image: Photograph of what appears to be either the Loch Ness Monster shaking hands with Toomey and Grigori Rasputin, or a weather balloon.
VO: We’re through the looking glass, here, Pat.
–Paid for by

Friday, September 10, 2010


does Zack always beat me to writing these things? That hilarious jerk.