tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78318113188310401462024-02-08T15:50:05.714-05:00On PoliticsThe Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-81191309391437318072011-01-31T16:43:00.001-05:002011-01-31T16:44:41.575-05:00Get the pitchforks ready for some...<a href="http://www.delcotimes.com/articles/2011/01/31/news/doc4d47177219ca2467118262.txt">Judicial activism!</a>The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-12347634832937877792010-12-28T15:21:00.004-05:002010-12-28T15:56:50.351-05:00To Mrs. McGrath’s Second Grade Class,Hello. My name is Kang-dae Soon, head programmer for the Engkey robotic teaching device.<br />I have been asked to clear up some confusion surrounding a recent visit from a malfunctioning Engkey unit to the Lower Grockney School District during a good-will tour from a South Korean elementary school.<br />Due to a very minor glitch in the translating device that has since been corrected, Engkey made several statements which we would like to correct or otherwise retract, as they do not represent the programmer’s viewpoint or those of Engkey’s parent company, Tyrell Corporation.<br />Firstly, please allow me to say that Santa Claus is not depicted in Korea as “a many-tentacled horror beyond the limits of human comprehension” and obviously never should have been described as such.<br />Santa Claus is the same here as anywhere: A walking diabetes risk representing the excesses of Western consumer culture who lives on the moon with a horde of elven slaves.<br />However, we understand the mistranslation led to a certain amount of consternation among parents and wish to apologize for any night terrors, booby-traps or institutionalizations this might have caused.<br />(I would additionally stress that other concepts of “Ol’ Saint Nick” described to the class – such as the Norse “Mojlin’ra, Chewer of Souls” – should likewise be discounted as a translating error.)<br />Allow me also to apologize for any instances of casual racism, profuse swearing or theft that occurred while Engkey was visiting the children. These tendencies commonly manifested as bugs in earlier versions of the robot and were supposed to have been eliminated from later models.<br />It might seem a small consolation, but please take heart that other bugs – such as routine sexual harassment and protests ending in self-immolation – appear to have been wiped from the operating system (with up to 73 percent efficiency).<br />It has additionally come to my attention that there was some confusion about Engkey’s answers to mathematics questions. Obviously, projectile vomiting a black, poisonous fluid into the questioner’s face is neither amusing nor technically an answer, and the robot should not have laughed at its victims' reactions to the viscous fluid while taunting the other children with a sharp stick. This was a holdover response from an earlier prototype of the Engkey designed for military use.<br />Unfortunately, the weaponized anthrax canisters housed in the robot’s chassis were also still set to release upon a specific trigger phrase. In hindsight, that phrase probably should not have been, “Are you a real robot?” (especially taking into consideration the penchant of American children to ask horrendously stupid questions). But as they say, hindsight is 20/20 – which is coincidentally the kill-rate for Engkey robotic military devices.<br />I would also like to apologize for the wholly unintended response to history questions. When asked about a specific historical figure or event, the robot should offer a helpful hint to guide the child to a correct answer, rather than a violent and profanity-laced tirade about the Japanese stock market. Any semi-cogent diatribes on the societal benefits of cannibalism should likewise be dismissed.<br />We would additionally like to take this opportunity to extend our deepest condolences on the tragic and unexpected vivisection of the class guinea pig, “Burrito,” during a biology lesson.<br />Obviously, the creature should have been euthanized prior to the demonstration and, again, we apologize for any nightmares the animal’s screaming and thrashing may have caused.<br />As to any instances of Engkey teaching children Three-card Monte, pick-pocket skills and/or dirty limericks, rest assured those traits have been eliminated from the programming (with up to 67 percent efficiency).<br />On behalf of all of us here at Tyrell Corp., I would like to thank Mrs. McGrath’s class, as well as the patient and understanding parents of the Lower Grockney School District, for assisting us in field testing the Engkey robotic teaching device.<br />Please rest assured each of the many, many deaths strewn in the wake of Engkey development is not in vein, as each “teaching moment” offers ever more insight toward a human-robot utopia we all one day hope to reach.<br />Yours truly,<br />Kang-dae Soon,<br />Tyrell Corp. Robotic Division<br />Head Programmer, Engkey Teaching Robot<br />PS. As per the settlement agreement, we would remind all of you that speaking with the press is strictly forbidden and would also like to stress that you are all damn lucky the unit did not become self aware. You’d still be picking pieces of your principal out of your hair and carpeting.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-89242823479510235852010-12-07T13:14:00.004-05:002010-12-07T13:17:46.139-05:00We all saw it coming...but honestly, how can you be <a href="http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-12-07/obama-confronts-pushback-from-democrats-over-tax-deal.html">this bad at negotiating</a>?<a href="http://www.businessweek.com/news/2010-12-07/obama-confronts-pushback-from-democrats-over-tax-deal.html"></a><br />Still, there's <a href="http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/immigrate/skilled/index.asp">good news</a> for those who saw this coming!<br />(Seriously, the ship is sinking for everyone who doesn't have a portfolio, get out while you can.)The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-63336588250953553002010-12-03T17:54:00.003-05:002010-12-03T18:19:28.706-05:00Guess who learned how to strikethroughOn Friday, President Barack Obama made the first nine pardons of his presidency. Among them was one for Ronald Lee Foster, of Beaver Falls, Pa., who was sentenced in 1963 to a year of probation and a $20 fine for mutilating coins.<br />Anticipated response from GOP Chairman Michael Steele:<br />"It is unconscionable that the president would pardon a man charged with <s>desecrating</s> mutilating our <s>God</s> currency at a time when the U.S. is reeling from staggering deficits that threaten the very <s>new speedboats for CEOs</s> fabric of the American dream! But rest assured you can always count <span>on</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> real</span> Americans in the Republican Party to <s>give massive tax breaks to the wealthy </s> save small business while simultaneously <s>denying much needed unemployment benefits to the poor</s> blocking super <span style="font-style: italic;">scaaaary</span> <s>common sense</s> socialist policies that are threatening our very <s>corporatist favoritism</s> freedoms!"<br /><br />("Be sure to spend your tax cuts on foreign-made goods - that's the best way to stimulate the U.S. economy," he was later heard to say. "Woot! 'Merica!," he added .)The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-40687648156481669252010-11-17T17:45:00.002-05:002010-11-17T17:52:17.348-05:00Deathpanel!<a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20023102-10391704.html">Deathpanel!</a> <a href="http://m.npr.org/news/Health/131215308">Deathpanel!</a> <a href="http://www.azleg.gov/">Deathpanel!</a><br />Have fun smoking weed until your heart explodes, I guess.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-88489592230333044552010-10-12T12:43:00.003-04:002010-10-12T13:01:19.391-04:00Serious Ads for Serious PeopleWith political TV ads running approximately every 12 seconds for the past 32 months straight, I'm worried some people might begin to get burned out and lose sight of what is really at stake in this election - namely, my ability to make fun of Christine O'Donnell.<br />With that in mind, here are a few spec scripts for spots I'd like to see running before we wrap this particularly hilarious installment in national politics:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Voiceover: </span>Joe Sestak claims to like toast…<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Sestak seated at a Congressional Breakfast table.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO:</span> So why, during a recent campaign stop at the Nowheresville Café in central Pennsylvania, did he ask if he could substitute a <span style="font-style: italic;">bagel </span>with his breakfast order?<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Close-up of a bagel with cream cheese; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” sounding music.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO:</span> Joe Sestak. Wrong on toast. Wrong for America.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-style: italic;">–Paid for by Republicans for Voldemort</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Voiceover: </span>Pat Toomey says he isn’t extreme…<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Toomey smiling serenely into the camera.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO: </span>So why does he regularly jump dirt bikes through flaming hoops suspended over tanks of alligators while drinking Mountain Dew?<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Mountain Dew can; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” style music. Can explodes.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO: </span>Pat Toomey? More like Pat TooExtremeforPennsylvaniamey.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-style: italic;">–Paid for by American Americans for ‘Mercia.</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Voiceover: </span>Democrat Dan Onorato hails from Allegheny County, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team, who have won a record six NFL championships.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Steelers celebrating latest Super Bowl victory in slow motion; image colors suddenly invert. Steelers explode.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO:</span> Screw that. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-style: italic;">–Paid for by Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid </span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Voiceover:</span> Tom Corbett’s hair.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Close-up of Tom Corbett’s hair. </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO: </span>No.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-style: italic;">–Paid for by freedomarecountry.org.</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Voiceover: </span>Joe Sestak likes to borrow combs from his co-workers.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Sestak combing his hair while preparing for his 8,756th television appearance this year.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO: </span>But Sestak almost always forgets to return the combs to their proper owners. Or maybe he doesn’t forget at all. Maybe he just wants the combs for himself.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Newspaper headline reading, “Joe’s Comb Fiasco.”</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO: </span>Joe Sestak. Too many combs. Not enough answers.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-style: italic;">–Paid for by Bald Americans for a Bald America PAC</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Voiceover: </span>If Pat Toomey hates aliens so much, why is he working with the lizard people from the 12th dimension?<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Image: Photograph of what appears to be either the Loch Ness Monster shaking hands with Toomey and Grigori Rasputin, or a weather balloon.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">VO: </span>We’re through the looking glass, here, Pat.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-style: italic;">–Paid for by crackpots.bigfoot.gov.</span><br /></div>The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-10301410229050414472010-09-10T15:52:00.001-04:002010-09-10T15:53:38.069-04:00Whydoes Zack always beat me to writing <a href="http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/save-great-country.php">these things</a>? That hilarious jerk.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-50210979414422168582010-09-02T14:14:00.004-04:002010-09-02T15:02:08.052-04:00Hey baby, wanna kill all humans?So <a href="http://savetheplanetprotest.com/">this</a> is apparently a list of demands totally rational person James Lee made of the Discovery Channel yesterday at the network's Delaware offices before a police sniper turned Lee into something Mike Rowe has to clean up.<br />Granted it <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> actually a list of Lee's demands (which is debatable - it is <span style="font-style: italic;">far </span>better written than most of the insane gibberish we usually receive here) it essentially boils down to "two legs bad, four legs good."<br />Still, Lee does make some compelling arguments about how filthy babies are. I mean, let's face it - those things don't even use toilets. It's pretty gross.<br />Anyway, here are some of my favorite bits, for those who don't like actually reading things (I'm looking at you, Delco):<br /><br />"All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions."<br />(Because squeezing out a bunch of parasites is so often linked to saving people from burning buildings.)<br /><br />"Civilization must be exposed for the filth it is. That, and all its disgusting religious-cultural roots and greed. Broadcast this message until the pollution in the planet is reversed and the human population goes down! This is your obligation. If you think it isn't, then get hell off the planet! Breathe Oil! It is the moral obligation of everyone living otherwise what good are they??"<br />(Last two lines brought to you by your friends at British Petroleum. Now get the hell offa mah planet!)<br /><br />"Develop shows that will correct and dismantle the dangerous US world economy. Find solutions for their disasterous (sic) Ponzi-Casino economy before they take the world to another nuclear war."<br />(Damn straight. We're still drying out from the <span style="font-style: italic;">last</span> nuclear war, we don't need <span style="font-style: italic;">another</span> one already. Also, fix the economy, Discovery Channel. It is your moral imperative!)<br /><br />"You're also going to find solutions for unemployment and housing."<br />(JUST DO IT ALREADY, STUPID!)<br /><br />"Find ways so that people don't build more housing pollution which destroys the environment to make way for more human filth!"<br />(Yeah, no more housing! But find housing solutions! But also screw humans! Wait ...)<br /><br />"Saving the environment and the remaning (sic) species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels."<br />(Well <span style="font-style: italic;">of course</span> the squirrels.)<br /><br />"These are the demands and sayings of Lee."<br />(COME TO ME, SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!)The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-13166955244976551252010-08-06T14:00:00.000-04:002010-08-06T14:01:07.501-04:00When people ask me why I hate politicsfrom now on, I'll just tell them to read <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/17390/188551">this.</a>The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-43415616936825791172010-07-05T13:20:00.002-04:002010-07-05T13:24:41.315-04:00Ok...So maybe The Last Airbender <a href="http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100630/REVIEWS/100639999">wasn't the best movie</a>, but at least it wasn't so bad that people actually <a href="http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10656696">die from watching it.<br /></a>The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-91621346721780075682010-05-28T16:32:00.005-04:002010-05-28T17:55:29.202-04:00On offergateLook, I don't normally comment on things I'm writing about, because I feel it undermines my sterling reputation as an impartial observer, but the fact is we are likely never going to know what actually happened in discussions between former President Bill Clinton and U.S. Rep. Joe Sestak.<br />Only those two men will ever know what they said to each other, or whether what they said they said to each is actually what they said to each other. And, to be honest, I'm probably not alone in thinking the president has <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/05/28/gulf.oil.environment.disaster/?hpt=Sbinhttp://">more important things</a> to worry about at the moment anyway. (Actually, <a href="http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/obama-bush-oil.php">this fella</a> has some pretty good ideas on what the Prez. should be doing.)<br />(Although Pat Toomey, the Republican candidate for the Senate seat Sestak is also seeking, has posed the question that if all this job offer business is really as innocent as it's been made out to be, why in the hell did it take so long for someone to just say so? It's a good point and I've been promised an answer.)<br />In the meantime, all this bluster over "offergate" is really starting to look <a href="http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/2/20/145521/360?new=true">familiar</a>. <a href="http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/04/no_let_up_darrell_issas_tireless_quest_for_scandal.php#more">U.S. Rep. Darrell Issa, R-Calif.</a> - who has led the charge on this, even going so far as to say it is possibly an impeachable offense - and Republican members of the House and Senate Judiciary Committees have now asked the FBI to get involved. Call me an Obama apologist if you like (or you can chalk it up to "I'm just sayin' is all") but all this posturing really does make you wonder if these guys just woke from some sort of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Efforts_to_impeach_George_W._Bush"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">coma.</span></a>The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-41351087379276874792010-05-26T12:18:00.001-04:002010-05-26T12:20:20.078-04:00On indentured servitudeGlenn Beck just asked via commercial if I knew African Americans were involved in the founding of our country.<br />Really Glenn?<br />Really?The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-67617809278416165782010-05-25T16:26:00.008-04:002010-05-26T12:16:45.348-04:00ideaLabRecently, Journal Register Company John Paton <a href="http://jxpaton.wordpress.com/">invited employees</a> to offer ideas on a new JRC undertaking known as ideaLab.<br />"To start, we are going to equip 15 Journal Register Company staff members with the latest tools and give them the time and money to experiment with them. Each member of the ideaLab will be equipped, initially, with an iPhone, iPad and a Netbook," said Paton. "We will carve out 10 hours a week from their jobs to allow them time to experiment with these tools and report back on how we can change our business for the better. And we will add an extra $500 per month to their pay."<br /><br />Not to be outdone by my JRC colleagues, and because I really need the money, I have heated my well-apportioned brain meats to 110 degrees Fahrenheit through willpower alone in order to posit some startlingly brilliant ideas for labs.<br /><br />And here they are:<br /><br />1. Sell iPad and iPhone for booze money. Document humorous inebriated exploits for blog using Netbook. Sell Netbook.<br /><br />2. Use $500 to purchase quantity of monkeys. Force monkeys to toil on iPad, iPhone and Netbook for 1,000 years. Sell resulting gibberish as "The Great American App."<br /><br />3. Write a story that doesn't involve constant saving of material for fear of the OS crashing. Because, for once, it won't be Windows 98. (Not joking.)<br /><br />4. Synergize logistics by shifting paradigms outside of the box. Place head in oven.<br /><br />5. Two words: Pirated software.<br /><br />6. Two more words: Blank CDs.<br /><br />7. Two additional words: Supplemental income.<br /><br />8. Use Netbook as discus, iPad as archery target and iPhone as shot-put in the first Apple Olympics. In Rome. On the company dime.<br /><br />9.Lament a society that judges its worth solely by its technological advancements. Use iPad to watch Gilligan's Island reruns on Hulu.<br /><br />10. Comment on competitors' Web pages that they are all "suckers" and that their mothers were women of exceptionally loose morals. <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">FROM DIRECTLY OUTSIDE THEIR OFFICES.</span> (Booyah.)<br /><br />11. Apps! APPS! <span style="font-weight: bold;">AAAAAAPPPPPSSSSSS!!!!!!</span><br /><br />12. Raise the dead by harnessing the raw power of Mother Nature herself. Introduce resulting zombie to "Peggle."<br /><br />13. Tweet a link with something sure to be redistributed quickly, like "Obamacare repealed!!", which directs people to an as-yet-unnamed Horror of the Internet. Sit back and watch the retweets multiply like tribbles, laughing maniacally.<br /><br />15. Use iPhone to call Gary Busey, because his answering machine message is hilarious. Watch "Point Break" on iPad. Then sell both for something useful, like rent money.<br /><br />15. Using advanced alien technology powering iPad, wet-wire brain of dog to Netbook. Present as "ideaLabrador." Collect Pulitzer prize.<br /><br />All that's left to do now is sit back and wait for my new gadgets to arrive in the mail, all the while hoping our new CEO has a really good sense of humor.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-7706754525970212922010-04-29T17:56:00.003-04:002010-04-29T18:05:17.105-04:00Found this comment from hyperion3 on a Washington Post story about "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" coming up May 20. Now, I don't normally comment on religion because it's silly and useless, but I thought this particular post insightful enough to share with the two or three trolls who ever check to see if I've updated my page.<br /><br />Again - not me, somebody else, in response to <a href="http://voices.washingtonpost.com/comic-riffs/2010/04/everybody_draw_mohammed_day_ga.html">this story:</a><br /><p>A lot of the comments against "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" seem to place drawing Mohammed in the same category as desecrating the Qur’an, burning a flag, or using a racial epithet. But there's a real problem with this analogy. In these examples, the action is intrinsically offensive because it clearly and unambiguously express hatred and contempt for a particular group based solely on their religion, nationality, or race. These may all be forms of constitutionally protected speech in the United States, but most people agree that they have no place in "polite society."</p> <p>In contrast, making a drawing of Mohammed amounts to little more than violating a religious taboo. The prohibition against depicting Mohammed stems from concerns that images, statues, or other works of art may lead to idolatry and corruption of the faith. Indeed, there are some schools of thought that conclude any representational art should be prohibited under Islamic law. Looked at this way, the prohibition seems akin to other well-known religious taboos such as dietary restrictions (halal, kosher, etc.) or rules relating to marriage, divorce, and sexual activity.</p> <p>Personally, I feel it's extremely inappropriate for believers of any religion to claim offense when non-believers decline to follow taboos and dogma that are based exclusively on religious teaching. Expecting non-Muslims to refrain from depicting Mohammed is a bit like expecting non-Jews to refrain from eating bacon or non-Catholics to refrain from using condoms. This standard is particularly disturbing when it's applied to artists who are actively engaged in questioning and challenging the proper role of religion in public discourse.</p> <p>What it boils down to (in my opinion) is that it's reasonable for Muslims to criticize specific drawings of Mohammed that are clearly hateful, mean-spirited, or incendiary. It's not reasonable to demand that all people, Muslims and non-Muslims alike, adhere to a specific tenet of the Muslim faith. And even in the case of clearly offensive drawings the *only* acceptable responses are public criticism, boycotts, and other legal tactics.</p> <p>For these reasons I think "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day" serves a very important purpose. Rather than being an in-your-face response to the "South Park" controversy that's intended to insult Muslims, it actually reinforces the idea that no religion should be allowed to impose its doctrines on those outside the faith, either by threats or by claiming "offense."</p> <a href="http://voices.washingtonpost.com/comic-riffs/2010/04/everybody_draw_mohammed_day_ga.html"></a>The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-11221527849634628622010-03-16T16:50:00.003-04:002010-03-16T17:21:31.440-04:00Fair Warning:I will no longer give credence to anyone making the assertion that the health care reform bill making its way through the House is, in any way, shape or form, a "government takeover."<br />It isn't. You know it. I know it. And if you <em>don't</em> know it, then you've been duped.<br />Any further use of this term, in person or via Interweb, will be met with instant and total derision, as well as full dismissal of all other points of view.<br />That is all.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-80528537745084756922010-03-04T13:16:00.004-05:002010-03-04T14:07:13.327-05:00Alienation: Check!Continuing a years-long effort to keep people the hell out of Philadelphia, Mayor Michael Nutter unveiled the city's plan Thursday to institute a permanent 2-cent-per-ounce tax on sugary liquids.<br />"We've recently taken a number of steps to keep people - and their money - from flowing into our city and this new tax is in line with that agenda," said Nutter. "I don't think I have to remind anyone of the 8 percent sales tax we put in place last year. Our business taxes also remain among the highest in the nation, while our lack of parking and resultant violations collections measures are so legendary that A&E for some reason made a television show about it. ... For those who would rather take SEPTA into the city and avoid the parking situation, years of mismanagment have forced costs to increase to a 'prohibitive' level, all but eliminating that option."<br />While he wasn't directly responsible for it, Nutter said the city also takes great pride in its 4 percent wage tax, which he said has been an excellent deterrent to anyone willing to live or work in Philadelphia. He noted some 300,000 jobs have fled Phialdlephia since 1950, alnog with about 30 percent of the population.<br />This new sugar tax is ostensibly a "sin tax" intended to keep young people from getting fat, said Nutter, whose hatred for fatties (but not bloat) has been well documented.<br />Plans to provide poorer neighborhoods that more closely resemble a post-tsunami Indonesia than inner-city Philadelphia with access to anything more than a bodega for foodstuffs were apparently not included in discussions.<br />Nutter, the driving force behind a citywide smoking ban in 2007, said he does have some other plans in the works to combat obesity, however, including rationing of fast food access and an outright ban on cheesesteaks.<br />"Listen, we're not saying you shouldn't be able to make choices about what you do with or to your own body, except in the sense that yes, that is exactly what we're saying," said Nutter. "We just want you to live, work and play somewhere else. Why is that so hard for people to understand?"The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-16320594860795527672010-02-04T14:59:00.001-05:002010-02-04T15:00:34.444-05:00Lesson learnedNever post date checks. Someone, somewhere, won't pay attention and before you know it, you'll owe the bank $140.<br />During a recession. <br />With one source of income in your house.<br />Awesome.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-44322824972639645272010-01-15T15:03:00.004-05:002010-01-15T15:46:19.577-05:00Pat Robertson Causes HurricanesI think we can all agree that Pat Robertson is a jerk who uses tragedy to push his own warped idea of religion. Yes? Ok.<br />I would say the same of the Westboro Baptist Church and any number of other groups/individuals hiding behind the First Amendment to espouse hate in the guise of "God's divine message" or some other such hooey.<br />Luckily, most of us can also agree that these idiots are to be ridiculed and ignored. Hell, they practically beg for it.<br />But there are people out there - not you, gentle reader, but far stupider folk - who actually <em>agree with</em> the things that fall out of Robertson's mouth like so much half-digested tripe, who actually <em>defend</em> his statements in a revolting display of ignorance fit only for the truly crippled of reason.<br />"Yes, there is literally a fallen angel dressed all in red with horns and a pitchfork and the Haitians made a deal with him 200 years ago in his underground nether-realm to destroy the French and that is why earthquakes happen, durrrrrr" is not an uncommon thing for these half-wits to shout at one another while patrolling the walkways of Planned Parenthood clinics with rifles. <br />Granted, some of the things these people subscribe to are pretty damn funny. Westboro, for instance, never fails to amuse with its renditions of Christmas tunes describing how Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is leading our children to hell or some such nonsense.<br />But then they'll go and do something like show up at some poor kid's funeral waving placards reading "God Hates Fags" and, well, that I simply cannot abide.<br />Only, I can't really <em>do</em> anything about it, can I? I mean, it's not like you can just go around knee-capping people with baseball bats because of their indefensibly asinine public displays of contempt couched in theology.<br />At least, not yet.<br />Ladies and gentleman, I propose a new amendment for the new decade; an amendment for those who understand and embrace religious tolerance, but who have also just had it up to here with some of these cultish freaks.<br />Let us call it, "The Defense of Common Sense Act." I haven't worked out all the particulars yet, but basically it allows you to beat the living hell out of anyone trying to keep us in the dark ages - like Robertson - if they even hint at some foolishness like "earthquakes are a force of the devil."<br />I mean, really? Really? That alone deserves at least a smack upside the head, but knowing that ill-formed grotesquerie, he'd sue me for assault. And that's the rub, isn't it? The reasonably-minded among us, I'm sure, would love to give these dingbats a collective wedgie, if for no other reason than to simply stop them from making all Christians look like utter morons. <br />Except that you can't. There are laws against that sort of thing.<br />But hopefully not for long.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-69647059927587491362010-01-12T12:53:00.010-05:002010-01-12T13:56:42.491-05:00Sarah Palin to join Fox Ne - oh wait, never mind.Former Vice Presidential candidate/Alaskan governor/relevant human being Sarah Palin announced Tuesday she would join the team at Fox News in 2010 to deliver "inspirational real-life tales of overcoming adversity throughout the American landscape."<br />Palin said in a release that she was "thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News," a place that "so values fair and balanced news."<br />Her opening segment was expected to focus on Glenn Beck.<br />However, just hours after announcing her new job, Palin announced she would walk out on her contract with Fox News 18 months early.<br />Arriving at a hastily-convened news conference by bus (which had picked her up from the airport, where she had flown in by private jet) Palin said she was retiring from broadcast journalism in order to pursue a career as an astronaut, a move she said was supported by four yesses and one "hell yeah!" from her family.<br />"The way I see it, if real Americans throughout this great land of ours watched the 2008 presidential race and still consider me a viable candidate for the presidency in 2012, then I'm qualified to do anything," said Palin. "Besides, I bet I can get a real good look at Russia from way up there in God's vacuum."<br />Michael Steels' head reportedly exploded upon hearing the news.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-59615899920991105102009-12-24T09:43:00.008-05:002009-12-24T14:18:28.338-05:00I hate politicsHere's the thing: My girlfriend has <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Crohn's</span> Disease. If you don't know what that is, it's basically like having a flesh-eating virus stuck in your intestines with no hope of ever extricating it. I can't even fathom trying to live with that. Suffice to say, it sure doesn't look like fun. There's a lot of blood involved.<br />She was getting treatments for it with a shot called <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Remicade</span>, which acts a lot like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Nexium</span> does on the esophagus, in that it helps rebuild damaged tissue. But that was when she had health insurance through her work. Without that insurance, she can't pay for the shot (which is to say nothing of the short hospital stay it requires to administer it).<br />She hasn't received treatment in more than a year because she hasn't had a job that offered insurance. She will have a new plan through her new job come Jan. 1. Meanwhile, lord only knows what has happened to her insides. I don't even want to think about it, but it could require surgery that would lay her up for months.<br />If there were a public option available when she lost her job - or, better yet, single-payer system in place like the rest of the freaking industrialized world has - she would likely be fine.<br />But she isn't. She's in constant pain.<br />And I blame you jerks in Washington.<br />Luckily, you've just passed two bills that could help address the problem. Only they won't, because it's Washington and you'll probably stuff the resulting compromise bill so full of pork and insurance company subsidies that it will resemble nothing even remotely like what people like us need.<br />For instance, poor people (again, us) don't need to be punished for not buying health insurance. That is the stupidest damn idea I ever heard. We're not buying insurance because we're poor, not because we think we're indestructible "masters of the universe," as Joe <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Sestak</span> is fond of saying. If we can't afford insurance, what in the hell makes you think we can afford a fine for not buying insurance? And let me guess - we'll continue to be fined until we do buy insurance? Yeah, that helps. Thanks.<br />Also, lowering the age of Medicare eligibility to 55? Terrible idea. As Darcy Burner explained in a recent article for the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Huffington</span> Post, insurance companies don't pay or underpay for routine and preventative care because by the time chronic problems like diabetes actually have to be dealt with, they're hedging that those suffering from these diseases will be covered by Medicare and therefor the government's problem (i.e. taxpayer's problem). Lowering that age, Burner correctly points out, will only make insurers less likely to cover costs for preventive care.<br />Compounding that with a lack of a single-payer system or public option - which you might remember as <em>the entire freaking point of this bill </em>- makes this legislation almost criminally stupid. Seriously.<br />But it's not too late for you out-of-touch Scrooges to put something actually meaningful together. Here are some ideas to help save this bill:<br />1. Start listening to Dennis <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Kucinich</span>. He's arguably the smartest man in Washington.<br />2. Extending COBRA coverage for those who have lost their jobs is fine and all, or it would be if it wasn't so prohibitively expensive to maintain coverage with COBRA. Trust me, no one can afford this and there should be a way to correct that here.<br />3. Single payer/public option. Get it in there, or to hell with the lot of you.<br />4. Alternatively, federalizing regulation of insurance and allowing for inter-state commerce of insurance companies would go a long way toward reducing costs and breaking the kind of monopolies we see here in Pennsylvania. (As long as there are common-sense provisions for what insurers can and can't do - like screw us with this "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">pre</span>-existing condition" crap.)<br />5. Go nuclear. If it's gotten to the point that children like Joe <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Lieberman</span> or Ben Nelson can hijack Congress with the threat of a filibuster, then guess what? It's time to remove that weapon from their arsenal and allow a simple majority vote to move a bill forward. Problem solved, idiots.<br /><br />That's it.<br /><br />Have a merry x-mas, you bunch of taxpayer-sponsored jerks.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-36700293737566524552009-12-18T16:54:00.005-05:002009-12-18T17:14:07.816-05:00OhmygodwhyyyyyyyyBeen awhile. Not that anyone reads this stupid thing, but I thought this was funny, so I am sharing it with the Internets.<br /><br />Joe Sestak took a different tack in going after Arlen Specter Thursday. First, his Sestak for Senate campaign sent out a release lauding Specter for a prediction he made at an AFL-CIO convention in September that an Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA) bill “totally satisfactory to labor” had been more or less "hammered out" and would likely be passed by year’s end.<br />The comment caused quite a stir - mostly because it was regarded as absolutely ludicrous that there was a bill anywhere close to being "hammered out" at the time. Sestak is apparently trying to hold Specter to it anyway (good luck).<br />But then (and this is where it gets weird) the “Real Arlen Specter” Web site – an attack site maintained by the Sestak campaign – issued it’s own release, pointing out Specter, a former longtime Republican, was actually <em>against </em>EFCA before switching parties earlier this year. (<em>Gasp!</em>)<br />Yawn, right?<br />Fair enough, but what I liked about it is the self-referential opening line of the "Real Arlen" release: “In light of a reminder from Democratic Congressman Joe Sestak's Senate campaign about Arlen Specter's pledge to have a done deal on the Employee Free Choice Act in the Senate by year's end, The Real Arlen Specter for Senate campaign would like to set the record straight."<br />The kicker for a colleague was the email subject line, "The Real Arlen Specter: Joe Sestak Knows I Oppose EFCA."<br />"The subject line is what takes it over the edge," he said. "The 'Real Specter' (a character created by Sestak, right?) is telling the world that the real, real Specter (actual Specter) knows that Sestak knows that the real Specter (I don't even know which one) actually opposes EFCA, according to Sestak."<br />Wheeeee!The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-24066150968189923892009-11-05T10:14:00.000-05:002009-11-05T10:15:25.974-05:00From creativeminorityreport.com:Arlen Specter Switches to Yankees Fan<br /> <br />In a hastily called press conference coming just hours after the New York Yankees convincing victory last night in Game Four of the World Series over the Philadelphia Phillies, Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter announced today that he is now a Yankees fan.<br /><br />Specter said the move had nothing to do with the Yankees victory last night giving them a 3-1 lead in the series. "I haven't felt like a Phillies fan for quite some time," said Specter. "I am not leaving the Phillies. The Phillies left me."<br /><br />Specter's long time discontent came as a surprise to many who celebrated last year's World Series win by the Phillies along with Specter.<br /><br />But New York Senator Chuck Schumer praised the longtime Phillies fan saying that this move by Specter highlights his "fierce independence."<br /><br />"Arlen's independence, integrity and baseball intellect are to be admired and I'll be pleased to be sitting in Yankee stadium near him when the Yankees win the World Series," said Schumer. <br /><br />According to some inside sources, Specter was expecting to be handed box seats at Yankee stadium upon his announcement but it turned out he was not given seniority over other season ticket holders and was only offered seats in the boisterous mezzanine level. <br /><br />Specter infamously switched parties earlier this year when it appeared that he might not win in the Republican primary against his GOP challenger Pat ToomeyThe Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-30959801920701439562009-11-02T17:05:00.006-05:002009-11-02T21:07:43.382-05:00The cell phone Palin? You Betcha!The following is a textual conversation I had with a friend today, very nearly verbatim:<br /><br />Him: This phone machine sucks (expletive deleted).<br />Me: I thought you had some <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hoity</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">toity</span> phone machine with all manner of electronic gimmickry?<br />H: Promises promises. It's like the Sarah <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Palin</span> of technology.<br />M: It has 3G experience because it lives near silicone valley?<br />H: It thinks that because it has a big bright screen no one will notice its shortcomings and illogical functions.<br />M: It browses Web sites. Which ones? Oh, all of them. All the major ones.<br />H: It denounces updates because they conflict with its Christian heritage.<br />M: It believes in time honored values like firewalls and one access code for one OS, but fails to acknowledge security breaches within its own network.<br />H: It wants to be the OS in charge, but it can't finish its first download.<br />M: It also spent a fortune on new skins out of your <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Paypal</span> account and now refuses to delete any.<br />H: It also thinks it's rurally constructed base translates to the rest of the models.<br />M: And that overseeing 60 bits of ram for a year and a half has prepared it for taking charge of the DOD database.<br />H: Or when it drops a call the problem is "solved."<br />M: It sends the texts it chooses to send, not necessarily the ones you asked it to send. Because it's a maverick.<br />H: It won't use a rebate because rich people are all that matter and market forces have proved it.<br />M: It constantly digs into your thigh in an attempt to drill, baby, drill!<br />H: It's a friend to the environment because its radio waves are killing the pesky bees and their dumb hives.<br />M: The toxins from its batteries have been known to kill local wolf populations. From the air.<br />H: It's plastic contributes to global warming, which is solving the polar bear question.<br />M: It believes that cell phone creation begins not at the factory, but in R & D.<br />H: It believes that without its battery it will not be recycled and sit at the right hand of the one true cell phone.<br />M: It believes chargers are a privilege, not a right, and that every phone has to pull itself up by the charging cord if it wants a full battery.<br />H: It believes that each state should choose what is best for its cell phones without a body to oversee all cellphone activity, thus freeing the market to self regulate.<br />M: I'm totally putting this in my blog.<br />H: Sweet, I didn't know I was going to be published.<br />M: I'm not using your name.<br />H: (expletive deleted).<br /><br />Parting shot: I'm really enjoying all this extra sunlight in the morning, and I can rest assured that I'll save on candles come Spring. Thanks, Mr. Franklin!The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-65460554805065859482009-09-11T11:01:00.002-04:002009-09-11T11:11:10.009-04:00Anatomy of a bonerAccording to a USA Today timeline:<br /><br />"CNN is reporting that the Coast Guard has fired on a boat on the Potomac River.<br />Update at 10:10 a.m. ET: The report of some activity on the river comes only minutes after President Obama concluded 9/11 memorial ceremonies at the Pentagon not far away.<br />Update at 10:12 a.m. ET: CNN says the Coast Guard fired 10 rounds at the boat.<br />Update at 10:14 a.m. ET: CNN broadcasts what it says is audio of the Coast Guard apparently speaking to a suspicious boat. The Coast Guard speaker is heard saying; "Slow down or you will be fired on."<br />Update at 10:27 a.m. ET: The AP quotes the Coast Guard as saying training was being conducted in Potomac River moments before Obama motorcade crossed.<br />Update at 10:30 a.m. ET: CNN quotes two police sources as saying the incident was a possible Coast Guard training exercise.<br />Update at 10:32 a.m. ET: Fox News quotes Coast Guard Chief Keith Moore as saying no shots were fired as part of the exercise.<br />Update at 10:33 a.m. ET: Reuters quotes an FBI spokeswoman as saying the agency was told by the Coast Guard that no shots were fired at a boat in the Potomac.<br />Update at 10: 41 a.m. ET: NBC's Pete Williams, quoting a "senior Coast Guard official," says the incident was just an exercise to "challenge response times."Williams says the exercise was strictly a "radio exercise" and did not involve any boats or any firing by the Coast Guard. Williams reports that a "citizen" overheard the radio exercise and passed that along to some news organizations, which broadcast reports of possible shot being fired.<br />Update at 10: 53 a.m. ET: USA TODAY's Kevin Johnson reports that the Coast Guard say that no shots were fired and that the incident involved a "radio exercise." Johnson says the Coast Guard is preparing a statement for release in a few moments, which we will carry."<br /><br />The AP's version as of 11 a.m.:<br />"WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard conducted a training exercise in the Potomac River near the Pentagon amid Sept. 11 commemorations Friday, sparking confusion.<br />Coast Guard Chief Keith Moore said Friday no shots were fired as part of the exercise. Media reports suggested shots had been fired in the river and showed vessels circling in the water, near the bridge where President Barack Obama's motorcade passed as he traveled to a Sept. 11 memorial at the Pentagon.<br />Coast Guard spokesman John Edwards said references to shots fired were picked up in radio chatter. As part of its exercise Friday, the Coast Guard aired simulated instructions to participants to fire 10 rounds. But Edwards said there were no shots actually fired and there were no suspicious boats.<br />The Coast Guard conducts this sort of training everyday. The training had nothing to do with the 9/11 anniversary, Edwards said.<br />"This is routine training for us and we train everyday," Edwards said.<br />Obama had traveled to the Pentagon to lay a wreath in a ceremony commemorating the eighth anniversary of the terrorist attacks."<br /><br />Might want to take this particular day off, knuckleheads. This is basically the equivalent of Spain testing its bomb threat response time at train stations on March 11.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7831811318831040146.post-31276198778295834222009-09-08T16:23:00.006-04:002009-09-08T17:30:27.777-04:00Speeches that make children yawnAmerica-hating President Barack Obama urged children to stay in school and work hard today. Ironically, many of them never got the message because their parents had pulled them from school to keep them from hearing this horrible, pro-socialist message of secret-Muslim indoctrination<br /><br />Meanwhile, we have <a href="http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2009/sep/03/arne-duncan/barack-obama-not-first-president-address-school-ch/">this story </a>from Arne Duncan of the St. Petersburg Times, which notes Obama was not the first sitting president to speak "directly to the nation's schoolchildren about persisting and succeeding in school." As it turns out, at least one other president, George H.W. Bush, gave that same message in 1991.<br /><br />According to Duncan, Bush's remarks were broadcast live by CNN, PBS, NBC radio, and something called the Mutual Broadcasting System at about noon on a school day (obviously). I think I actually remember hearing that address, if not watching it.<br /><br />The complete text of that speech, delivered in Ms. Mollster's classroom at Some Such Jr. High School, can be found <a href="http://bushlibrary.tamu.edu/research/public_papers.php?id=3450&year=1991&month=10">here</a>. Like Obama's, it has nothing at all to do with politics, but rather is a long, boring list of reasons why students should take responsibility for their choices in life and stay away from drugs and control their own destinies and all the other typical rubbish adults push on children.<br /><br />As Duncan points out, Democrats criticized Bush for delivering his speech in much the same way Republicans are complaining about Obama delivering his. I don't remember anybody saying they weren't going to let their kid hear the stupid thing, though. I think the complaints about Bush the Elder's speech were really more political theater than anything. At any rate, the speech never affected a single person I knew, and most probably don't remember it at all if they weren't actually inside Ms. Mostoller's classroom that day. That might not hold as true with Obama, who is something of a political anomaly, but the point is neither of these guys really delivered anything to the students beyond what was expected: "Stay in school. Work hard. Eat your vegetables." blah blah blah.<br /><br />Reagan, well...that was something else entirely.<br /><br />As Duncan noted in a more neutral tone than <a href="http://http://www.dailykostv.com/w/002107/">these guys</a>, Reagan's speech and subsequent Q-and-A with students was little more than an advertisement about how badly Jimmy Carter had messed up the country, but with proper Republican stewardship, it was back on course. Though his speech is far more politically-oriented, it's still a freakin' yawnfest and, again, probably meant nothing to anyone except the students actually standing in the same room as the then-president.<br /><br />At any rate, this sort of thing is nothing new and certainly nothing to wind yourself up about. Unless, of course, you're an idiot, in which case go nuts.The Ayatollah of Rock N Rollahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05932866159520172118noreply@blogger.com0