Friday, August 28, 2009

Advertisement pitches for the U.S. Mint

"Dollar Bills: They're Not Just For Strippers Anymore."

"Coins: They Make Great Gifts For The Homeless And Drug-Addicted."

"Dollar Coins. Yes, Again."

"Pennies: They Make A Great Addition To Any Gutter."

"787 Billion Reasons To Spend."

"Money: Get Yours, Before It's Gone!"

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Two Words:

Mayan Colander.
Get on it, Pottery Barn.

(You only have until 2012.)

You can't make this stuff up. Which is to say that you can, and it gets funnier.

In a recent Republican National Committee mailer titled “2009 Future of American Health Survey," there is one alarmingly hilarious question you might have missed:

"It has been suggested that the government could use voter registration to determine a person's political affiliation, prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system. Does this possibly concern you?"

No, really, that was the question. And while it has all the basic ingredients of funny-because-it's-true, it does lack that certain Palinesque flamboyancy we've come to expect from the RNC, an oversight that I'd like to correct now with a little re-write:

"It has been suggested, here, at this moment, that as a registered Republican American, you will be dragged before a Gestapo death panel and shot a certain number of times as determined by your attending Nazi-imposed - oops, I mean Democrat-imposed - death physician. Does that sort of thing make you cry eagle's blood or what?"

Or, to Kevin Nealon it up a little:

"It has been suggested (paranoia) that the government (Nazi president) could use voter registration (brown shirts) to determine a person's political affiliation (Mussolini), prompting fears that GOP voters (patriots) might be discriminated against (death panels) for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed (abortions) health care rationing system (killbots). Does this possibly concern you (assault weapons)?"

Friday, August 14, 2009

Go ahead and say something

The blorg is once again open to receiving comments from non-registered users. Feel free to speak your mind, but remember that I will filter comments, and reserve the right to delete any and all hatespeech, obscenities, etc., etc. You people should know what's acceptable by now (or not, judging from some of the comment sections of the DT Web site) so use your best judgment.
It should be noted that this is, for the most part, a comedy blog. That means sarcasm, satire and absurdity. If you aren't familiar with those concepts, you might have a hard time here, because I will make fun of you and so should everyone else.

Really Eagles? ...Really?

Sundays were finally going to mean something again. Drinking, yelling at the television, eating horribly unhealthy foods, drinking, and more yelling. Good, clean fun for the whole family. The right kind of fun. American fun.
And you took it all away from us. You took the only thing that could get me out of bed before noon on a weekend. You took it and you body-slammed it onto the concrete to kill it.
You bastards took football.
It's bad enough that I live with the most fervent Steelers fan in the Western Hemisphere, who can't go three minutes without mentioning their sixth Super Bowl win last season, but now I don't even have a team.
Do you understand? I have no team. How could I possibly support the Eagles now? How could anyone? You might as well have hired a child rapist. I'm not exaggerating; for me, there is no difference.
Even if this is a purely financial decision to pick up convicted dog killer Michael Vick at a cut rate price and gain a substantial trade further down the line, it's still unacceptable. In fact, that might even make it worse, especially for a squad that has always prided itself on the high quality of its players' characters.
Do people deserve second chances? Maybe. Does Michael Vick? No. I said "people," and Vick hardly registers higher than "walking turd" in my book. "People" don't participate in, fund or condone the fighting, hanging, electrocution and drowning of defenseless animals. Nor are they rewarded, generally, with $6 million contracts for doing so.
No, Eagles. No. Vick is a repulsive, disgracful flathead who has never shown an ounce of remorse for his actions. He shouldn't be in the league and he sure as hell shouldn't be on our team.
Sorry, I guess I meant your team. I'm finished with you, Eagles.
Come back when you grow some scruples.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Other ways health care reform is bad for you

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was recently positioned behind a microphone, triggering a Pavlovian conditioning reflex that compelled her to say things like "you betcha" and "by gum" and "the Democrats' health care plan will mandate a panel be formed to kill all of your grandmothers and infants born with down syndrome."
Now, it's a proven fact that Barack Obama hates the old and infirm, sure as the flat disc of a planet we are living on is surrounded on all sides by a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling out into space, so it comes as no surprise that Democrat-sponsored legislation on health care reform would include this "final solution" to the grandmother problem.

But there are many other very important amendments to the proposed legislation that Palin failed to mention, a few of which I'd like to enlighten you with now:

1.GENE-SPLICING. A certain amount of gene splicing will be required during all inpatient surgeries, on a sliding scale of "need" determined by where the patient falls on the poverty scale. Due to the socialist nature of the plan, however, patients may not pick what animal type they will be bonded with at the molecular level. (Choice would be irrelevant at any rate, as the only species suitable for splicing to date is the hagfish; a holdover from the genome project begun by President Bill Clinton in honor of his wife.)
2.SEX CHANGES. Same-sex couples will be allowed to marry under the Obama presidency. However, under the health care plan, at least one will be required to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Couples will be given the freedom to choose which individual will receive the surgery and which will receive a small American flag stapled to a dowel rod. Also, heterosexual marriage will be outlawed. Also, the American flag will be replaced with a Chinese flag.
3.STEM CELLS. Eight full glasses a day, kids.
4.FOOD FILTERS. As the cost for dentistry has risen and foods have become more goo-oriented over time, it has been determined that teeth have become too costly to maintain and irrelevant to eating. The Obama plan calls for the removal and subsequent replacement of all teeth with a filter system typical of large marine mammals.
5.ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE. The following ailments shall only be treated through holistic medicine or, where applicable, tribal Kenyan witchdoctor: Bone deformities; hair loss; cancer; supercancer; hangnail; hysterical pregnancy; somewhat funny pregnancy; irritable bowel syndrome; "outie" bellybuttons; toe fungus; sucking chest wound; limb loss; depression.
6.SMOKING. Smoking will be mandatory.

No need to thank me, folks, I'm just trying to help people familiarize themselves with the facts before they go off to discourage any type of rational discourse with their incessant braying. Speaking of which, I have also taken it upon myself to prepare some things you can shout to drown out anyone attempting said discourse:

"I have a right to be heard! I have a right to be heard!" (Shout this - and only this - until everyone nearby has walked away. Remember: The Constitution guarantees your right to be heard, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything of import to say!)

"This is America, not Russia!" (Reminds people bussed in from other countries where they are.)

"Don't tread on my pre-existing condition!" (Because some people might want to be denied insurance for being pregnant. Who is the government to make that call?)

"Why aren't there more cowboy movies on TV?" (Someone keeps calling us and asking this. I figure if she's there, she can ask the crowd because, honestly, I just don't have an answer for that one.)

"Nancy Pelosi is a robot from the future sent to enslave all mankind!" (Self explanatory.)

"Barack Obama wants to kill your grandmother!" (Referring to the fact that Barack Obama seriously wants to kill your grandmother (see above).)

"Who wants to see pictures of my grandchildren?!" (Confuses and distracts the speaker on stage; WARNING - could also distract other protesters who want to see pictures of your grandchildren and/or offer pictures of their own grandchildren for viewing.)

Well, I hope that was helpful. Now, let's all get out there and foster some democratic debate, eh?

Friday, August 7, 2009

An Elaborate Hoax

My friend Steve has a theory that most popular black culture is a joke perpetrated by the rich white men who actually own hip hop record labels.
He envisions these fat, greedy bastards sitting around trying to one-up each other on outlandish and outlandishly expensive things - like $400 spinning rims - for black people to waste their money on instead of investing in, say, a college fund.

Now, I don't normally watch reality television. (Nice transition, eh?) But my girlfriend, she watches the "Who Wants to Dance?" program. Or no, sorry, the "So You Think You Can Dance?" program. Which means I watch that very same program, unless I can find something else to do, like the dishes, or simonizing the light switches.
The show had it's season 5 finale yesterday, and after having seen more than enough broadcasts, I can now unequivocally reveal what I believe to be a similar (though less pernicious) joke played on the whole of humanity by the dancey-dancey world: Contemporary dance.

It used to be called "Modern dance," but it could just as accurately be called "flailing your arms, staggering like a drunk, and then rolling on the floor."
It looks absolutely nothing like dancing of any kind, on any planet of this or any other galaxy, and is the most boring, uninspiring schlock I've ever seen on television - and I've seen "According to Jim."
There is one exception to this rule, as there must always be, and that is found in any dance put together by Mia Michaels, one of many choreographers for the
Michaels, however, combines huge portions of other dance styles and moves in a very deliberate order with the aim of telling a story through movement. Not that I ever know what the hell that story is supposed to be, but it at least looks like people, you know, dancing, whereas most contemporary dance resembles Joe Cocker.

There is another gem to this show I would be remiss not to mention: Lil C.
Lil C is another choreographer, and though I would be hard pressed to tell you anything about his work, I love the little weirdo. You never know what he's going to say, but you can always count on it being entertaining.
Example: "It's really difficult to locate the avenue of gain when you're being chauffeured by loss. And I think every opportunity is one step closer to perpetual evolution."
I swear, I did not make one word of that up. The best part of it, though, is that he clearly thinks this is incredibly insightful stuff, when it in fact sounds like five or six fortune cookies strung together in quick succession.
Here's a more recent one: "The primary focus of all obstacles is to induce labor so progression can be born."
Really dude? Really?
I imagine him just scrawling words and phrases like "cosmic," "redemption," "triviality" and "transcendence" on cards, and picking them out of a hat to form these "insights."
"The dancers' redemption of form can only be achieved after triviality is truly transcended through cosmic congruence," for instance.

Oh, and that lady who screams? Well, let's just say nature isn't the only thing that abhors a vacuum. Actually, she wouldn't be so bad if her face wasn't carrying enough botulism to kill half the U.S. Navy. I mean, screaming I can handle. But totally expressionless screaming? Shudder.

Revamp idea for "My Mother the Car" with a more paternal twist: "Van of the House." Look for it on whatever brain-addled channel keeps renewing unfunny sitcoms starring fat comedians married to thin, bitchy women THIS FALL!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Defend this:

Lame weirdo George Sodini walked into a dance-aerobics fitness class in Bridgeville Tuesday, flipped off the lights and started shooting.
Using three guns (he had brought four) Sodini fired at least 36 bullets, according to the Associated Press, killing three women and wounding nine others before turning a gun on himself.
I haven't seen what types of guns Sodini used. I don't know where he bought them, or when, or how. I do know that they fit into a duffel bag, which he had placed on the floor of the exercise room before he started his rampage.
I also know I can expect this hare-brained response from the pro-gun lobby:
"Well, if every woman in that room was packin' heat, they could have defended themselves and saved lives!"
By what - firing randomly into the darkness, probably hitting other class members scurrying around in a panic? Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
I also like the extension of this idea, that if EVERYONE IN THE WORLD were to carry a concealed handgun, tragedies like this wouldn't occur.
Wrong again, neckbeard. This pitiful loser actually posted his DEATH DATE as August 4 on a Web page where he chronicled a) his inability to have a normal relationship with a woman and b) his intent to slaughter women in that particular class.
Clearly, a guy who plans to die as part of his assault probably isn't gonna be deterred by anyone else's ability to kill him, so long as he can squeeze off a few rounds first. Which, let's face it, he almost certainly would unless he was in Florida at the time, where citizens have been actively encouraged by the legislature to shoot first and ask questions later (another reason I won't be visiting Florida any time soon).
"OOOOO!" I can just hear some troglodyte screaming in the back now. "OOO! Well, it wasn't the gun what killed them people, it was him. I mean, what if he only had a knife? Huh? What then? He still coulda killed those girls! With a common kitchen knife like your ma uses to make apple pie with! How about that, smart guy? Huh? Or do you hate apple pie, too, you pinko?!"
Here's how about that, you mutant slug: If he had a knife, he likely wouldn't have been able to inflict the same level of damage, because he either wouldn't have been able to see in the dark well enough to correctly cut arteries, or he would have had to leave the light on, in which case the victims would have been able to see/run from their assailant, during which time they probably would have been screaming and someone might have been able to intervene sooner, reducing the number of victims killed or even seriously injur--
You know what? That argument is just too stupid to even argue. I'm tired of it and it makes no sense, so stop using it.
I'm also tired of this same kind of thing happening again and again and again. But, to be honest, I have no answer on how to stop it, aside from outlawing the purchasing of guns by the common citizen. And we can't do that, of course, because if our government ever turns tyrannical, we wouldn't be able to defend ourselves.
After all, that is what it all comes down to, isn't it? Freedom from tyranny? Well, put on a helmet to contain the splatter, because I am about to blow your mind: We already lost that fight. A looong time ago.
Oh, don't get me wrong - when everybody had the same muskets, we probably still stood a chance. But the second our country's military was allowed to have and control weapons beyond the scope of the common man, it was over.
I'd say by the end of World War One, we were probably already punching out of our weight class. In 2009? Hell, even if every town in every state of the union had a well-provisioned militia, any assault they might rally against the modern military would be laughable. We might win Alaska, but who the hell wants it? Hawaii...well, that could go either way.
As for the Continental U.S., forget it. Gum-ment wins, hands down. Which brings us to the question: What's the point of even having the Second Amendment if any intended use of it ends in defeat? (And it almost certainly would.)
I mean, are we just going to sit around waiting for what some view as an inevitable civil war between the federal government and the country's citizens, or should we give up a right that's meaningless even at the Constitutional level for the sake of personal safety?
Personally, I don't know how I'd go on that one. I mean, it's fun to go out in the woods and, you know, just shoot some stuff.
But is it really worth it? Is it really, really worth it?