Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was recently positioned behind a microphone, triggering a Pavlovian conditioning reflex that compelled her to say things like "you betcha" and "by gum" and "the Democrats' health care plan will mandate a panel be formed to kill all of your grandmothers and infants born with down syndrome."
Now, it's a proven fact that Barack Obama hates the old and infirm, sure as the flat disc of a planet we are living on is surrounded on all sides by a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling out into space, so it comes as no surprise that Democrat-sponsored legislation on health care reform would include this "final solution" to the grandmother problem.

But there are many other very important amendments to the proposed legislation that Palin failed to mention, a few of which I'd like to enlighten you with now:

1.GENE-SPLICING. A certain amount of gene splicing will be required during all inpatient surgeries, on a sliding scale of "need" determined by where the patient falls on the poverty scale. Due to the socialist nature of the plan, however, patients may not pick what animal type they will be bonded with at the molecular level. (Choice would be irrelevant at any rate, as the only species suitable for splicing to date is the hagfish; a holdover from the genome project begun by President Bill Clinton in honor of his wife.)
2.SEX CHANGES. Same-sex couples will be allowed to marry under the Obama presidency. However, under the health care plan, at least one will be required to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Couples will be given the freedom to choose which individual will receive the surgery and which will receive a small American flag stapled to a dowel rod. Also, heterosexual marriage will be outlawed. Also, the American flag will be replaced with a Chinese flag.
3.STEM CELLS. Eight full glasses a day, kids.
4.FOOD FILTERS. As the cost for dentistry has risen and foods have become more goo-oriented over time, it has been determined that teeth have become too costly to maintain and irrelevant to eating. The Obama plan calls for the removal and subsequent replacement of all teeth with a filter system typical of large marine mammals.
5.ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE. The following ailments shall only be treated through holistic medicine or, where applicable, tribal Kenyan witchdoctor: Bone deformities; hair loss; cancer; supercancer; hangnail; hysterical pregnancy; somewhat funny pregnancy; irritable bowel syndrome; "outie" bellybuttons; toe fungus; sucking chest wound; limb loss; depression.
6.SMOKING. Smoking will be mandatory.


No need to thank me, folks, I'm just trying to help people familiarize themselves with the facts before they go off to discourage any type of rational discourse with their incessant braying. Speaking of which, I have also taken it upon myself to prepare some things you can shout to drown out anyone attempting said discourse:

"I have a right to be heard! I have a right to be heard!" (Shout this - and only this - until everyone nearby has walked away. Remember: The Constitution guarantees your right to be heard, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything of import to say!)

"This is America, not Russia!" (Reminds people bussed in from other countries where they are.)

"Don't tread on my pre-existing condition!" (Because some people might want to be denied insurance for being pregnant. Who is the government to make that call?)

"Why aren't there more cowboy movies on TV?" (Someone keeps calling us and asking this. I figure if she's there, she can ask the crowd because, honestly, I just don't have an answer for that one.)

"Nancy Pelosi is a robot from the future sent to enslave all mankind!" (Self explanatory.)

"Barack Obama wants to kill your grandmother!" (Referring to the fact that Barack Obama seriously wants to kill your grandmother (see above).)

"Who wants to see pictures of my grandchildren?!" (Confuses and distracts the speaker on stage; WARNING - could also distract other protesters who want to see pictures of your grandchildren and/or offer pictures of their own grandchildren for viewing.)


Well, I hope that was helpful. Now, let's all get out there and foster some democratic debate, eh?