Serious Ads for Serious People
With that in mind, here are a few spec scripts for spots I'd like to see running before we wrap this particularly hilarious installment in national politics:
Voiceover: Joe Sestak claims to like toast…
Image: Sestak seated at a Congressional Breakfast table.
VO: So why, during a recent campaign stop at the Nowheresville Café in central Pennsylvania, did he ask if he could substitute a bagel with his breakfast order?
Image: Close-up of a bagel with cream cheese; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” sounding music.
VO: Joe Sestak. Wrong on toast. Wrong for America.
Voiceover: Pat Toomey says he isn’t extreme…
Image: Toomey smiling serenely into the camera.
VO: So why does he regularly jump dirt bikes through flaming hoops suspended over tanks of alligators while drinking Mountain Dew?
Image: Mountain Dew can; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” style music. Can explodes.
VO: Pat Toomey? More like Pat TooExtremeforPennsylvaniamey.
Voiceover: Democrat Dan Onorato hails from Allegheny County, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team, who have won a record six NFL championships.
Image: Steelers celebrating latest Super Bowl victory in slow motion; image colors suddenly invert. Steelers explode.
VO: Screw that. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!
Voiceover: Tom Corbett’s hair.
Image: Close-up of Tom Corbett’s hair.
Voiceover: Joe Sestak likes to borrow combs from his co-workers.
Image: Sestak combing his hair while preparing for his 8,756th television appearance this year.
VO: But Sestak almost always forgets to return the combs to their proper owners. Or maybe he doesn’t forget at all. Maybe he just wants the combs for himself.
Image: Newspaper headline reading, “Joe’s Comb Fiasco.”
VO: Joe Sestak. Too many combs. Not enough answers.
Voiceover: If Pat Toomey hates aliens so much, why is he working with the lizard people from the 12th dimension?
Image: Photograph of what appears to be either the Loch Ness Monster shaking hands with Toomey and Grigori Rasputin, or a weather balloon.
VO: We’re through the looking glass, here, Pat.