Wednesday, February 25, 2009

On killing machines

Lockheed Martin has a hunter/killer in development.
I'm not kidding. Look at this thing:

Now, look at this:

The "Multiple Kill Vehicle" (which has a nice ring to it) is ostensibly an anti-ballistic missile system designed for use in space to intercept incoming ICBMs, according to the LM press release.

At least, until Skynet comes online.
I need to go change my underwear.

Friday, February 20, 2009

On bar-hopping.

It seems that the only people I meet during visits to Media bars these days are paranoid megalomaniacs with severe delusions of grandeur.
Many of them know I'm a reporter, see, so they know that every scrap of conversation they have will be printed, verbatim, in the pages of the Delco Daily Times if I'm close enough to hear it - despite the fact that I can't even be bothered to remember half their names (all of which are terribly generic things like "Steve" and "Paul" (I think)).
Yes, you better watch your tongues around me, because I can't wait to waste column inches relaying your semi-coherent opinions out-of-context and for no particular reason whatsoever.
I mean, geez - what do you think Sound Off is for?
Which reminds me, I saw one in there today criticizing "the thinking of many of our young people today" in response to a People Poll answer. I have no idea what the question was, but the answer, according to this person, was: If it doesn't affect us, who cares?
This demonstrates "what is wrong with our country today," apparently. But let me, in turn, pose this question:
Pearl Harbor ring any bells?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

On Whitey

All right stop, collaborate and listen - Steele's back with a brand new invention. Kind of.
Yes, friends, Michael Steele, the face of the new, minority-friendly GOP, recently told to the Washington Times that the party of one idea needs a make-over.
"But how will he accomplish this?" you might well ask. "By pushing for the closure of corporate tax loopholes? By setting new policy on obstructionist legislators? How about health care subsidies for the poor?"
What are ya, simple?
No, Steele has his sights set on the bigger picture: tricking uneducated urban youths into thinking the GOP reflects their values by throwing a lot of outdated urban slang around.
"We want to convey that the modern-day GOP looks like the conservative party that stands on principles," he told the Times. "But we want to apply them to urban-surburban hip-hop settings."
Steel said - and I swear I'm not making this up - the new campaign will be "off the hook" and "beyond cutting-edge," whatever the hell that means.
This, from the same man who called Obama's stimulus package "bling bling," is no surprise. It also won't be a surprise when the campaign fails worse than the McSquid in any other market but Edo.
I haven't seen this kind of blatant pandering since Mitt Romney demonstrated his firm grasp on hip-hop culture to a group of potential black voters when he earnestly inquired (about five years too late) who had let the dogs out. It was, until now, the whitest thing I'd ever seen a Republican do - aside from slash funding for education and funnel it into defense, or approve tax cuts for the wealthy, of course.
But now we've got Steele - the rich man's Barack Obama - who is going to save the Grand Old Party by turning it into the Grand Old Par-tay!
Admittedly, it is a bold and stupid plan, but Steele is not concerned. After all, out-of-touch white folks have been hawking this same gibberish for years to "urban types" in an attempt to demonstrate that they, too, are "down."
If it wasn't insulting coming from them, why in the world would it be insulting coming from a guy who was undeniably installed as the RNC chairman by virtue of simply being a black man?


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

On zombification

Following the release of Seth Grahame-Smith's flesh-eating redux of the classic Jane Austen novel "Pride and Prejudice" - dubbed "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" - the interwebs have been virtually (as there is no other way) awash with zombified titles of other classics.
Virgin Media, in fact, posed the question, "What movies could be improved by zombies?" The answer, of course, is "All of them." But for some reason, Virgin gave us only the following nine:

"Bambi 2: Fawn of the Dead"
"Kramer Vs. Kramer Vs. Zombies"
"There Will Be Brains"
"Undead Poets Society"
"Zomdog Millionaire"
"Quantum of Zombies"
"Zombie Balboa"

Some of these, like "Bambi 2" and "ZOMB-E," are actually inventive and cute. Other, intensely stupid titles ("Zomdog Millionaire") make about as much sense as "Throw Mama From the Brains." Which is to say, none at all.

However, this list is not nearly cute or stupid enough, which is why I've written nine of my own.
To wit:

"Run, Zombie, Run"
"To John Foo: Thanks for the Brains, Zombie Newmar"
"Lawnmower Man 3: Lawn of the Dead"
"The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Liver"
"Some Like it Rotten"
"Nom with the Limbs"
"Harold and Kumar Get Eaten by Zombies" (also works with "Ernest")
"Headshots: The Legend of Curly's Gun"
And, of course,
"Y Tu Zombie, Tambien"

As always, feel free to put your two cents in with some other titles. In fact, let's open it up a little more with some classic sci-fi flicks:
"Pride and Predator."
"I, Robocop."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

On the ladder

I saw an ad the other day for "The Ladders - $100k+ jobs for $100k+ talent." I told my girlfriend she should look for a job there, but she said the only jobs posted would require graduate degrees and all like that.
Neither of us have those things, but I say we just fudge the resumes and look for jobs as bank CEOs anyway. I figure if we screw up enough, we get golden parachutes, and if not, we get bonuses. Hell, we'd get bonuses anyway. You get me into a high enough tax bracket, I might even start voting Republican. Suddenly the party of one idea could be looking like a pretty sweet deal.

Also, just as an aside, I don't know why everybody's freaking out about this octo-mom thing. I mean, I had eight babies in my tummy once - those little suckers are delicious. (Rimshot!)
Thank you and goodnight.