Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Serious Ads for Serious People

With political TV ads running approximately every 12 seconds for the past 32 months straight, I'm worried some people might begin to get burned out and lose sight of what is really at stake in this election - namely, my ability to make fun of Christine O'Donnell.
With that in mind, here are a few spec scripts for spots I'd like to see running before we wrap this particularly hilarious installment in national politics:

Voiceover: Joe Sestak claims to like toast…
Image: Sestak seated at a Congressional Breakfast table.
VO: So why, during a recent campaign stop at the Nowheresville Café in central Pennsylvania, did he ask if he could substitute a bagel with his breakfast order?
Image: Close-up of a bagel with cream cheese; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” sounding music.
VO: Joe Sestak. Wrong on toast. Wrong for America.
–Paid for by Republicans for Voldemort

Voiceover: Pat Toomey says he isn’t extreme…
Image: Toomey smiling serenely into the camera.
VO: So why does he regularly jump dirt bikes through flaming hoops suspended over tanks of alligators while drinking Mountain Dew?
Image: Mountain Dew can; image colors suddenly invert with scary “Psycho” style music. Can explodes.
VO: Pat Toomey? More like Pat TooExtremeforPennsylvaniamey.
–Paid for by American Americans for ‘Mercia.

Voiceover: Democrat Dan Onorato hails from Allegheny County, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team, who have won a record six NFL championships.
Image: Steelers celebrating latest Super Bowl victory in slow motion; image colors suddenly invert. Steelers explode.
VO: Screw that. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!
–Paid for by Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid

Voiceover: Tom Corbett’s hair.
Image: Close-up of Tom Corbett’s hair.
VO: No.
–Paid for by freedomarecountry.org.

Voiceover: Joe Sestak likes to borrow combs from his co-workers.
Image: Sestak combing his hair while preparing for his 8,756th television appearance this year.
VO: But Sestak almost always forgets to return the combs to their proper owners. Or maybe he doesn’t forget at all. Maybe he just wants the combs for himself.
Image: Newspaper headline reading, “Joe’s Comb Fiasco.”
VO: Joe Sestak. Too many combs. Not enough answers.
–Paid for by Bald Americans for a Bald America PAC

Voiceover: If Pat Toomey hates aliens so much, why is he working with the lizard people from the 12th dimension?
Image: Photograph of what appears to be either the Loch Ness Monster shaking hands with Toomey and Grigori Rasputin, or a weather balloon.
VO: We’re through the looking glass, here, Pat.
–Paid for by crackpots.bigfoot.gov.


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