Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Recently, Journal Register Company John Paton invited employees to offer ideas on a new JRC undertaking known as ideaLab.
"To start, we are going to equip 15 Journal Register Company staff members with the latest tools and give them the time and money to experiment with them. Each member of the ideaLab will be equipped, initially, with an iPhone, iPad and a Netbook," said Paton. "We will carve out 10 hours a week from their jobs to allow them time to experiment with these tools and report back on how we can change our business for the better. And we will add an extra $500 per month to their pay."

Not to be outdone by my JRC colleagues, and because I really need the money, I have heated my well-apportioned brain meats to 110 degrees Fahrenheit through willpower alone in order to posit some startlingly brilliant ideas for labs.

And here they are:

1. Sell iPad and iPhone for booze money. Document humorous inebriated exploits for blog using Netbook. Sell Netbook.

2. Use $500 to purchase quantity of monkeys. Force monkeys to toil on iPad, iPhone and Netbook for 1,000 years. Sell resulting gibberish as "The Great American App."

3. Write a story that doesn't involve constant saving of material for fear of the OS crashing. Because, for once, it won't be Windows 98. (Not joking.)

4. Synergize logistics by shifting paradigms outside of the box. Place head in oven.

5. Two words: Pirated software.

6. Two more words: Blank CDs.

7. Two additional words: Supplemental income.

8. Use Netbook as discus, iPad as archery target and iPhone as shot-put in the first Apple Olympics. In Rome. On the company dime.

9.Lament a society that judges its worth solely by its technological advancements. Use iPad to watch Gilligan's Island reruns on Hulu.

10. Comment on competitors' Web pages that they are all "suckers" and that their mothers were women of exceptionally loose morals. FROM DIRECTLY OUTSIDE THEIR OFFICES. (Booyah.)


12. Raise the dead by harnessing the raw power of Mother Nature herself. Introduce resulting zombie to "Peggle."

13. Tweet a link with something sure to be redistributed quickly, like "Obamacare repealed!!", which directs people to an as-yet-unnamed Horror of the Internet. Sit back and watch the retweets multiply like tribbles, laughing maniacally.

15. Use iPhone to call Gary Busey, because his answering machine message is hilarious. Watch "Point Break" on iPad. Then sell both for something useful, like rent money.

15. Using advanced alien technology powering iPad, wet-wire brain of dog to Netbook. Present as "ideaLabrador." Collect Pulitzer prize.

All that's left to do now is sit back and wait for my new gadgets to arrive in the mail, all the while hoping our new CEO has a really good sense of humor.


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