Tuesday, December 30, 2008

On quitting

No, not smoking, but look for that soon. Or at least "soon" in my universe, which could be anywhere from, like, two months to 700 years, depending on how lazy I'm feeling (and how well my new immortality serum works out).
Sorry I haven't been around much these days - I've been living in some seriously hot sin and it is just exhausting.
But I have returned with a brand new post for you surly, bored teenagers out there working those soul-crushing, dead-end, fast-food jobs, desperately wanting to quit but without the brainpower to come up with an awesome enough way to do it on yr own.
Well, I got it. And all you need is a white Captain-and-Tenille-style hat and light-blue handkerchief.
The basic premise is very simple: Wait for the peak of the lunch/dinner rush, adorn yrself with said garments - 'kerchief around the neck - and come bursting out of the back screaming, "IT'S PEOPLE! TACO BELL IS PEOPLE!"
Of course, you should shout the name of wherever it is you work, not just "Taco Bell." While that would be funny in a Wendy's, say, it does lose some of the impact because that's not what people there are eating, obviously. You don't want them to go, "Well, who cares? I'm eating this other stuff." Right? Right.
Feel free to improvise as well. Fall around, claw at your throat, and add a few more Chuck Heston lines in. Grab a customer with a big ol' gob of Whopper stuffed in his face and say, "You gotta tell 'em! You gotta 'em it's peoplllllle!" in that choking way of his.
I should also note I think this would work especially well at the S'Barro's at Springfield Mall. And if you can tip me off as to when it'll happen, I will pay you $10 just so I can be there to witness it.
Five bucks more if you find the most slovenly bastard in the joint and tell him he "truly is the king of kings."