Thursday, November 5, 2009


Arlen Specter Switches to Yankees Fan

In a hastily called press conference coming just hours after the New York Yankees convincing victory last night in Game Four of the World Series over the Philadelphia Phillies, Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter announced today that he is now a Yankees fan.

Specter said the move had nothing to do with the Yankees victory last night giving them a 3-1 lead in the series. "I haven't felt like a Phillies fan for quite some time," said Specter. "I am not leaving the Phillies. The Phillies left me."

Specter's long time discontent came as a surprise to many who celebrated last year's World Series win by the Phillies along with Specter.

But New York Senator Chuck Schumer praised the longtime Phillies fan saying that this move by Specter highlights his "fierce independence."

"Arlen's independence, integrity and baseball intellect are to be admired and I'll be pleased to be sitting in Yankee stadium near him when the Yankees win the World Series," said Schumer.

According to some inside sources, Specter was expecting to be handed box seats at Yankee stadium upon his announcement but it turned out he was not given seniority over other season ticket holders and was only offered seats in the boisterous mezzanine level.

Specter infamously switched parties earlier this year when it appeared that he might not win in the Republican primary against his GOP challenger Pat Toomey

Monday, November 2, 2009

The cell phone Palin? You Betcha!

The following is a textual conversation I had with a friend today, very nearly verbatim:

Him: This phone machine sucks (expletive deleted).
Me: I thought you had some hoity toity phone machine with all manner of electronic gimmickry?
H: Promises promises. It's like the Sarah Palin of technology.
M: It has 3G experience because it lives near silicone valley?
H: It thinks that because it has a big bright screen no one will notice its shortcomings and illogical functions.
M: It browses Web sites. Which ones? Oh, all of them. All the major ones.
H: It denounces updates because they conflict with its Christian heritage.
M: It believes in time honored values like firewalls and one access code for one OS, but fails to acknowledge security breaches within its own network.
H: It wants to be the OS in charge, but it can't finish its first download.
M: It also spent a fortune on new skins out of your Paypal account and now refuses to delete any.
H: It also thinks it's rurally constructed base translates to the rest of the models.
M: And that overseeing 60 bits of ram for a year and a half has prepared it for taking charge of the DOD database.
H: Or when it drops a call the problem is "solved."
M: It sends the texts it chooses to send, not necessarily the ones you asked it to send. Because it's a maverick.
H: It won't use a rebate because rich people are all that matter and market forces have proved it.
M: It constantly digs into your thigh in an attempt to drill, baby, drill!
H: It's a friend to the environment because its radio waves are killing the pesky bees and their dumb hives.
M: The toxins from its batteries have been known to kill local wolf populations. From the air.
H: It's plastic contributes to global warming, which is solving the polar bear question.
M: It believes that cell phone creation begins not at the factory, but in R & D.
H: It believes that without its battery it will not be recycled and sit at the right hand of the one true cell phone.
M: It believes chargers are a privilege, not a right, and that every phone has to pull itself up by the charging cord if it wants a full battery.
H: It believes that each state should choose what is best for its cell phones without a body to oversee all cellphone activity, thus freeing the market to self regulate.
M: I'm totally putting this in my blog.
H: Sweet, I didn't know I was going to be published.
M: I'm not using your name.
H: (expletive deleted).

Parting shot: I'm really enjoying all this extra sunlight in the morning, and I can rest assured that I'll save on candles come Spring. Thanks, Mr. Franklin!